Monday, 24 November 2008

don't let people drag you down

Is it wrong that this is such an issue for me? Am I expecting too much from somebody I've just started seeing?

I don't know the answer to either of those questions.

All I know is that, yeah, this whole thing is an issue. I'm not going to be able to get over it just like that. I think Dave is being a prat about this whole thing. Honestly, I do. I really don't care what kind of mental state he is in. I don't get why it has to effect two more people's lives, especially when he calls one of them a good friend. I don't know what kind of world you have to come from in order to believe that it is not selfish to ask someone not to see someone else, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, I feel badly that he has issues. Sure, Liam and I probably aren't helping it. But the issues were there well before any of this happened. I am not at fault for that. Liam is not at fault for that. In my opinion, Dave is selfishly using his mental state to get what he wants. Which is Liam not seeing me.

At first, it was kind of exciting. The whole being secret lovers or whatever. It was kind of fun. Mysterious. Sneaky.

But I'm honestly tired of it. I kind of want to take this relationship to the next level. Actually call it a relationship. Which is a big step for me, considering the disaster I made of the last one [Lee].

Does this mean that I've grown as a person?
I certainly feel like I have. While I haven't 100% moved past j, I'm more mature in that I know exactly where she fits in my life and what capacity we both are in to each other. But I know that was a huge issue with my relationship with Lee. I jumped into that far too fast and it was just terrible. I had pretty much sworn off relationships [and men?] for the rest of my life.

So, this clearly means self progress, right? The fac that I actually want to be in a relationship with Liam? That I want to call him my boyfriend or whatever?

But I can't do that.
I can't give my heart to him when it is so secretive. I just can't.

I am honest to a fault, I'm afraid.
I will be the first to admit it: I'm being selfish. I want to have this whole thing out in the open so that we all stop hurting. So that I stop hurting.

I am hurting.
I shouldn't be hurt by the one I'm with.
And I am, and I hate that. I hate it so much.

I am so afraid for my heart. I'm trying to give it to someone new. But I'm scared that it's going to get hurt. I am so afraid of committing to this because it is so secretive. Anything can happen in secret. Things can just end. No word of an explanation.

I want to give my heart without hiding. And I can't do that with this frustrating situation. I can see perfectly well where Liam and Dave are coming from. But I'm being selfish and I want more. I haven't done anything wrong. I don't feel ashamed for anything. I feel no regrets.

I just want this out in the open and I want to be able to see Liam as I want, when I want, without hiding it behind Dave's back. I want him to be able to spend the night at my place without having to tell Dave he is at his ex girlfriend's. Without him having to tell Dave he has gone home.

I just. I just don't know what to think. Or to do.
I just don't know.

dictate a memo to myself

Okay. So, since I don't want to be just a little creeper, maybe I should start posting in here again.
What I'll post about, who knows! Do I want to have a theme or just be random?

I suppose I started this blog originally to really ... well, self-discover. I guess I can keep up with that. Gosh, I really don't know!

I am a bit of a compulsive blogger, though, so I'll have to apologise in advance for that.

So, here goes! Another blog for discovering things. Perhaps about me. Perhaps not. Perhaps about the world!

[I will probably end up rambling on about cadets. But hey, that's self-discovery, right? Right? RIGHT??!!]