Pipes in my ears! Owwww

You know what? I had an absolutely brilliant weekend!

I wasn't sure it was going to be okay - the one cadet who really bugs me in at my corps was going, but even with that - it was brilliant.

I think I knew it was going to be good when I showed up and saw that the male cover was Criag; he is good people!

And then I met the Leading Cadet / Assistant Piping Instructor [for the weekend] and knew that the weekend was destined for awesomeness. This kid is only 15, but we got on so well; a real damn good kid, you know? We've made a secret handshake, I taught him to make those stupid wrapper chains with like, starburst wrappers, he taught me how to properly do a warble, bought each other sweeties to share and hahaha even used the little gummy rings to 'get married' and since we ate them it's forever. So inappropriate but so frigging funny. [PLEASE NOTE: Not seriously at all attracted to him; I am not a pedo!!!]

It was so good with him because even though he's so young and such a high rank, he's already gotten the difference between being friends and, when we have to go back into uniform, being officer/cadet. So many of them don't get that when they're young, or never get that. Like, I could totally be his buddy one minute, or all night until lights out or whatever, but then the minute I needed something done I could delegate to him for him to delegate, and then if it was done wrong and I yelled at him.. well. He knew that it didn't mean I didn't like him. Or if I told him off for something HE was doing, he knew it wasn't personal.

It's SO GOOD when the cadets get that. I wish the ones at my corps did!

Most of the junior kids were really good times, too, and the group of staff there were really laid back and easygoing.

Last night when we were getting our evening tuck, two of the girls were showing me one of those scary videos where it's a still room, then the chair in the background starts to rock and then some scary lookin' girl pops up on the screen. So yah, that happened and I freaked and ran into the galley, hahaha.... and the little window door thing flew open [because the main door hit it] and crushed one of my cadet's [the one who does my head in] Cream Eggs, like, right clear in half! And she started yelling: MY EGG!! MY EGG!! YOU KILLED MY EGG!! But it was just the timing of it all... omg it was so frigging funny!

So after two nights of very little sleep and having to listen to flat pipes for 24 hours, I was an absolute mental crabby bitch today. But even so, it was brilliant. And the kids were all actually pretty good at piping - every single one got their Basic Level! I was well impressed. The four of us officers on the course were good too - we all got our proficiency level and are going to do the instructor's course in a few weeks.

Yah so I'm kind of on an awesome weekend high, but also so exhausted low, and also omg Lost is finally back tonight high! And basically trying to keep myself awake to frigging 11pm tonight. Silly 2 hour premier! But YAY LOST!

why do oceans exist?

I can't be sure, but when I look at you, I think I see everything I've ever wanted.

I think it's time to stop pretending and start this for real.

Happy things!

1. Who wants to hear a funny story?

The plumber fixed the problem in.......... [are you ready for this?]...... 5 minutes.

Seriously.And then, because he was so incredibly nice, he temporarily fixed the stopper in another bathroom. Cost? A cup of tea.

So. I've found the greatest plumber in the entire world. Any time anything goes wrong... I will go to him and say screw it to the NHBC who take 4 months to do a 5 minute job. OR if I want to renovate any of the bathrooms. And he lives about an 8 minute drive from me. I'm in love!

2. I gave in and met Liam for lunch yesterday. I didn't want to, but I figured maybe he actually had something to say. My curiousity got the better of me.

And it was pointless and awkward. I didn't want to be there; he wants to be friends.I don't see how we can be friends. Not because I'm romantically interested in him - because honestly, I'm not anymore.

It would still be a 'secret friendship.' We couldn't hang out like normal friends. We could meet up after work/class/cadets or at lunch and it would be like a date. No matter what we do. Not because either of us are romantically interested, but because that's what it would be like. There would be no hanging out with friends or going over to each other's houses. I'm not allowed at his house and if he came all the way out to mine, it would be like another date.

I just don't see the point in being friends with someone I'm still "not allowed" to see, even as friends. Does that make sense? I don't feel remorse or anything, but for some reason I feel the need to explain myself....

I probably should to him, right?

3. I went with June and Susie and their family to the COOLEST thing ever last night:

We went to .... a private movie theatre. In someone's backyard. That seated 30 people. And was decorated to look just like a 1950's cinema. It was THE coolest thing I've done in the longest time. It was complete with velvet seats, a pullback curtain, 50's memorabilia all over, posters of old movies like 'Attack of the 50 Foot Woman' 'The Mummy' and just craziness!

And. AND. AND! We watched It's a Wonderful Life in full black and white amazingness! It was the absolute perfect perfect night! We shared some junk food and drank some mulled wine and just had a wonderfully Christmassy night!

4. I am able to reschedule my civil service test! Woohoo! But they're not able to tell me when, exactly. Here's hoping that they actually read my e-mail and won't schedule it before the 29th!

5. OMG I can't believe I didn't start with this! Lee was my secret santa and he got me the MOST PERFECT present ever! With very little help from Claire, too! He got me a red and orange scarf and mitten set. And they are perfect. The mittens are so, so warm! And they have pom-poms! I am so in love with them it isn't even funny! It's not even the fact that they're perfect is what makes me love them so much - it's because he knows me well enough to pick out something that I will actually love so much. I'm just well impressed, you know?

6. I am leaving for Sri Lanka tomorrow! Woohoo! I have been looking forward to this so, so much. The beginning of this week was an absolute nightmare with the waiting. But now that it's tomorrow I'm in a much better mood! I am not going to think of anything that isn't Sri Lanka related: mum and dad, Christmas, monkeys, the World Health Organisation, elephants, curry, cheap dvds, cheap clothes, food, swimming, sunbathing, hiking, United Nations, terrorism, Tamil Tigers, tuk-tuks, avoiding malaria [since I returned the tablets], trying not to get car sick on twisty roads, tea, exploring... you know, that kind of thing.

Dear June,

Come back, please. I miss you!

Love,
Amanda

some things are better left to happiness

I would like to tell you a little bit about my Saturday. [Before the loneliness set in, but after I woke up.]

It begins by waking up with a smile, throwing on some working clothes, tying my hair back awkwardly, and setting to clean the house.

Then the doorbell rang:


I'd been feeling sad about Northern Ireland's lack of snow. So what did Shaun do?







I have the best Shaun in the world. I am so blessed to have him in my life. My little moving to Scotland stint was worth it just to have met and fallen into the best friendship with him.


Then the contractor came past to have a look at the leak problem [finally!] and we agreed he would start work on Wednesday [finally!] so that was brilliant.

And then I decided to drive into Carrick.

I came home with this:


To fix a problem:


And provide this solution:


What do you think?

[Other than I had a very fulfilling, albeit lonely, Saturday! :)]

don't let people drag you down

Is it wrong that this is such an issue for me? Am I expecting too much from somebody I've just started seeing?

I don't know the answer to either of those questions.

All I know is that, yeah, this whole thing is an issue. I'm not going to be able to get over it just like that. I think Dave is being a prat about this whole thing. Honestly, I do. I really don't care what kind of mental state he is in. I don't get why it has to effect two more people's lives, especially when he calls one of them a good friend. I don't know what kind of world you have to come from in order to believe that it is not selfish to ask someone not to see someone else, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, I feel badly that he has issues. Sure, Liam and I probably aren't helping it. But the issues were there well before any of this happened. I am not at fault for that. Liam is not at fault for that. In my opinion, Dave is selfishly using his mental state to get what he wants. Which is Liam not seeing me.

At first, it was kind of exciting. The whole being secret lovers or whatever. It was kind of fun. Mysterious. Sneaky.

But I'm honestly tired of it. I kind of want to take this relationship to the next level. Actually call it a relationship. Which is a big step for me, considering the disaster I made of the last one [Lee].

Does this mean that I've grown as a person?
I certainly feel like I have. While I haven't 100% moved past j, I'm more mature in that I know exactly where she fits in my life and what capacity we both are in to each other. But I know that was a huge issue with my relationship with Lee. I jumped into that far too fast and it was just terrible. I had pretty much sworn off relationships [and men?] for the rest of my life.


So, this clearly means self progress, right? The fac that I actually want to be in a relationship with Liam? That I want to call him my boyfriend or whatever?

But I can't do that.
I can't give my heart to him when it is so secretive. I just can't.

I am honest to a fault, I'm afraid.
I will be the first to admit it: I'm being selfish. I want to have this whole thing out in the open so that we all stop hurting. So that I stop hurting.

I am hurting.
I shouldn't be hurt by the one I'm with.
And I am, and I hate that. I hate it so much.

I am so afraid for my heart. I'm trying to give it to someone new. But I'm scared that it's going to get hurt. I am so afraid of committing to this because it is so secretive. Anything can happen in secret. Things can just end. No word of an explanation.


I want to give my heart without hiding. And I can't do that with this frustrating situation. I can see perfectly well where Liam and Dave are coming from. But I'm being selfish and I want more. I haven't done anything wrong. I don't feel ashamed for anything. I feel no regrets.

I just want this out in the open and I want to be able to see Liam as I want, when I want, without hiding it behind Dave's back. I want him to be able to spend the night at my place without having to tell Dave he is at his ex girlfriend's. Without him having to tell Dave he has gone home.

I just. I just don't know what to think. Or to do.
I just don't know.

dictate a memo to myself

Okay. So, since I don't want to be just a little creeper, maybe I should start posting in here again.
What I'll post about, who knows! Do I want to have a theme or just be random?

I suppose I started this blog originally to really ... well, self-discover. I guess I can keep up with that. Gosh, I really don't know!

I am a bit of a compulsive blogger, though, so I'll have to apologise in advance for that.

So, here goes! Another blog for discovering things. Perhaps about me. Perhaps not. Perhaps about the world!

[I will probably end up rambling on about cadets. But hey, that's self-discovery, right? Right? RIGHT??!!]