Tuesday, 29 April 2008

all eyes are on me now

I've been putting so much pressure on finding a partner. I know I have been; I can actively see myself doing things and thinking things that aren't something I would normally.

I suppose I could say that it's because I haven't been single in so long that I've forgotten how to do it. But I'm not sure if it's exactly that.

I want that feeling of security. I really do. I want that feeling of love, and to share the love I can offer. I want to share my life with someone who means more to me than I do.

I just think I'm going about it the wrong way. I mean, I don't know that I should actually actively look. The most meaningful relationships I've had were ones that just happened when I really wasn't looking for a relationship.

Now, I'm not saying that to find love I have to stop looking... and then it will magically come to me. I'm a bit more realistic than that.

The other night, I dreamt about R. We were doing completely normal things. We watched some tv, went bowling, ate food. All normal, completely friendship things.

Last night, I dreamt about T. Which is absolutely crazy and random, for one thing. But... I don't know. It was really weird: we spent most of the dream not talking to each other; being in a crowd [maybe?] of people. Then I happened upon him in some room, and we started talking. I don't remember much more, but I was hugging him so tight while he bawled like a child in my arms, completely distraught about something. And then we kissed, just lightly, and then I woke up.

I was thinking about these two dreams as I walked to work this morning.
What could they mean?
Two highly emotional 'relationships' I've had, both visiting me in dreams, only days apart. Maybe my subconcious is telling me to stop. To stop trying to force something to happen. I have to let go.

So, I think that I'm going to stop this. This isn't me. And if it is, it's not who I want me to be. I don't want to look at every person I see and wonder.