Friday, 12 December 2008

Happy things!

1. Who wants to hear a funny story?

The plumber fixed the problem in.......... [are you ready for this?]...... 5 minutes.

Seriously.And then, because he was so incredibly nice, he temporarily fixed the stopper in another bathroom. Cost? A cup of tea.

So. I've found the greatest plumber in the entire world. Any time anything goes wrong... I will go to him and say screw it to the NHBC who take 4 months to do a 5 minute job. OR if I want to renovate any of the bathrooms. And he lives about an 8 minute drive from me. I'm in love!

2. I gave in and met Liam for lunch yesterday. I didn't want to, but I figured maybe he actually had something to say. My curiousity got the better of me.

And it was pointless and awkward. I didn't want to be there; he wants to be friends.I don't see how we can be friends. Not because I'm romantically interested in him - because honestly, I'm not anymore.

It would still be a 'secret friendship.' We couldn't hang out like normal friends. We could meet up after work/class/cadets or at lunch and it would be like a date. No matter what we do. Not because either of us are romantically interested, but because that's what it would be like. There would be no hanging out with friends or going over to each other's houses. I'm not allowed at his house and if he came all the way out to mine, it would be like another date.

I just don't see the point in being friends with someone I'm still "not allowed" to see, even as friends. Does that make sense? I don't feel remorse or anything, but for some reason I feel the need to explain myself....

I probably should to him, right?

3. I went with June and Susie and their family to the COOLEST thing ever last night:

We went to .... a private movie theatre. In someone's backyard. That seated 30 people. And was decorated to look just like a 1950's cinema. It was THE coolest thing I've done in the longest time. It was complete with velvet seats, a pullback curtain, 50's memorabilia all over, posters of old movies like 'Attack of the 50 Foot Woman' 'The Mummy' and just craziness!

And. AND. AND! We watched It's a Wonderful Life in full black and white amazingness! It was the absolute perfect perfect night! We shared some junk food and drank some mulled wine and just had a wonderfully Christmassy night!

4. I am able to reschedule my civil service test! Woohoo! But they're not able to tell me when, exactly. Here's hoping that they actually read my e-mail and won't schedule it before the 29th!

5. OMG I can't believe I didn't start with this! Lee was my secret santa and he got me the MOST PERFECT present ever! With very little help from Claire, too! He got me a red and orange scarf and mitten set. And they are perfect. The mittens are so, so warm! And they have pom-poms! I am so in love with them it isn't even funny! It's not even the fact that they're perfect is what makes me love them so much - it's because he knows me well enough to pick out something that I will actually love so much. I'm just well impressed, you know?

6. I am leaving for Sri Lanka tomorrow! Woohoo! I have been looking forward to this so, so much. The beginning of this week was an absolute nightmare with the waiting. But now that it's tomorrow I'm in a much better mood! I am not going to think of anything that isn't Sri Lanka related: mum and dad, Christmas, monkeys, the World Health Organisation, elephants, curry, cheap dvds, cheap clothes, food, swimming, sunbathing, hiking, United Nations, terrorism, Tamil Tigers, tuk-tuks, avoiding malaria [since I returned the tablets], trying not to get car sick on twisty roads, tea, exploring... you know, that kind of thing.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Dear June,

Come back, please. I miss you!


Monday, 1 December 2008

some things are better left to happiness

I would like to tell you a little bit about my Saturday. [Before the loneliness set in, but after I woke up.]

It begins by waking up with a smile, throwing on some working clothes, tying my hair back awkwardly, and setting to clean the house.

Then the doorbell rang:

I'd been feeling sad about Northern Ireland's lack of snow. So what did Shaun do?




I have the best Shaun in the world. I am so blessed to have him in my life. My little moving to Scotland stint was worth it just to have met and fallen into the best friendship with him.

Then the contractor came past to have a look at the leak problem [finally!] and we agreed he would start work on Wednesday [finally!] so that was brilliant.

And then I decided to drive into Carrick.

I came home with this:

To fix a problem:

And provide this solution:

What do you think?

[Other than I had a very fulfilling, albeit lonely, Saturday! :)]

Monday, 24 November 2008

don't let people drag you down

Is it wrong that this is such an issue for me? Am I expecting too much from somebody I've just started seeing?

I don't know the answer to either of those questions.

All I know is that, yeah, this whole thing is an issue. I'm not going to be able to get over it just like that. I think Dave is being a prat about this whole thing. Honestly, I do. I really don't care what kind of mental state he is in. I don't get why it has to effect two more people's lives, especially when he calls one of them a good friend. I don't know what kind of world you have to come from in order to believe that it is not selfish to ask someone not to see someone else, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, I feel badly that he has issues. Sure, Liam and I probably aren't helping it. But the issues were there well before any of this happened. I am not at fault for that. Liam is not at fault for that. In my opinion, Dave is selfishly using his mental state to get what he wants. Which is Liam not seeing me.

At first, it was kind of exciting. The whole being secret lovers or whatever. It was kind of fun. Mysterious. Sneaky.

But I'm honestly tired of it. I kind of want to take this relationship to the next level. Actually call it a relationship. Which is a big step for me, considering the disaster I made of the last one [Lee].

Does this mean that I've grown as a person?
I certainly feel like I have. While I haven't 100% moved past j, I'm more mature in that I know exactly where she fits in my life and what capacity we both are in to each other. But I know that was a huge issue with my relationship with Lee. I jumped into that far too fast and it was just terrible. I had pretty much sworn off relationships [and men?] for the rest of my life.

So, this clearly means self progress, right? The fac that I actually want to be in a relationship with Liam? That I want to call him my boyfriend or whatever?

But I can't do that.
I can't give my heart to him when it is so secretive. I just can't.

I am honest to a fault, I'm afraid.
I will be the first to admit it: I'm being selfish. I want to have this whole thing out in the open so that we all stop hurting. So that I stop hurting.

I am hurting.
I shouldn't be hurt by the one I'm with.
And I am, and I hate that. I hate it so much.

I am so afraid for my heart. I'm trying to give it to someone new. But I'm scared that it's going to get hurt. I am so afraid of committing to this because it is so secretive. Anything can happen in secret. Things can just end. No word of an explanation.

I want to give my heart without hiding. And I can't do that with this frustrating situation. I can see perfectly well where Liam and Dave are coming from. But I'm being selfish and I want more. I haven't done anything wrong. I don't feel ashamed for anything. I feel no regrets.

I just want this out in the open and I want to be able to see Liam as I want, when I want, without hiding it behind Dave's back. I want him to be able to spend the night at my place without having to tell Dave he is at his ex girlfriend's. Without him having to tell Dave he has gone home.

I just. I just don't know what to think. Or to do.
I just don't know.

dictate a memo to myself

Okay. So, since I don't want to be just a little creeper, maybe I should start posting in here again.
What I'll post about, who knows! Do I want to have a theme or just be random?

I suppose I started this blog originally to really ... well, self-discover. I guess I can keep up with that. Gosh, I really don't know!

I am a bit of a compulsive blogger, though, so I'll have to apologise in advance for that.

So, here goes! Another blog for discovering things. Perhaps about me. Perhaps not. Perhaps about the world!

[I will probably end up rambling on about cadets. But hey, that's self-discovery, right? Right? RIGHT??!!]

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

where happiness lives

Sometimes I'm afraid that this day-to-day monotony is going to start being just that: day-to-day monotony. But, somehow, I'm surprised everyday at how little things can break the mould.

Today, for example.

Andrew came in. It's 17:30, well after we both should be gone. And he smiled at me; this big, geeky cute smile that only your tubby, white-headed 50-somethings boss can get away with, and asked how I was, commenting how he hadn't seen me in awhile. [Truth! The man is a workaholic and even when we are both working I never see him!]


June and I spent lunch sunbathing in the park, talking about life and love and God and woodshop.

Back in the grind to have a message from my Dad, entirely in Spanish. He doesn't even speak Spanish!

It's reasons like these that make the days worth living.
Sure, I could [probably should] find a job that can support my mortgage. But where can I find something where my boss smiles like a schoolboy, conversations about life happen at lunch and with unlimited access to my parents?

June's Dad always says: You can either have time or money.

I think, in my case, I have happiness.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

all eyes are on me now

I've been putting so much pressure on finding a partner. I know I have been; I can actively see myself doing things and thinking things that aren't something I would normally.

I suppose I could say that it's because I haven't been single in so long that I've forgotten how to do it. But I'm not sure if it's exactly that.

I want that feeling of security. I really do. I want that feeling of love, and to share the love I can offer. I want to share my life with someone who means more to me than I do.

I just think I'm going about it the wrong way. I mean, I don't know that I should actually actively look. The most meaningful relationships I've had were ones that just happened when I really wasn't looking for a relationship.

Now, I'm not saying that to find love I have to stop looking... and then it will magically come to me. I'm a bit more realistic than that.

The other night, I dreamt about R. We were doing completely normal things. We watched some tv, went bowling, ate food. All normal, completely friendship things.

Last night, I dreamt about T. Which is absolutely crazy and random, for one thing. But... I don't know. It was really weird: we spent most of the dream not talking to each other; being in a crowd [maybe?] of people. Then I happened upon him in some room, and we started talking. I don't remember much more, but I was hugging him so tight while he bawled like a child in my arms, completely distraught about something. And then we kissed, just lightly, and then I woke up.

I was thinking about these two dreams as I walked to work this morning.
What could they mean?
Two highly emotional 'relationships' I've had, both visiting me in dreams, only days apart. Maybe my subconcious is telling me to stop. To stop trying to force something to happen. I have to let go.

So, I think that I'm going to stop this. This isn't me. And if it is, it's not who I want me to be. I don't want to look at every person I see and wonder.

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

vi et veritate

What does it mean to be Sloan?

Sloan. A warrior.
Strong, resilient. Truthful, honourable, valiant.

A girl who is family oriented.
Someone who relies on friendship.
Career driven; a hard worker.

Happy, loving, enthusiastic. Spontaneous, energetic, innovative.

This is me. This is Sloan.